Posted on May 02 2017
So, surrogacy. Crazy right? Why would anyone want to carry a baby for someone they don't even know? Is it just for the money?
I will stop you right there. Sure, money is great. But that is not what brought me here. You see, we don't need the money. So lets remove dollar signs from this entire topic. At least for my journey.
What brought me here was a personal experience of loss, and hopelessness. What many may not know is that I was previously married. Yep, 23 years old and went and got hitched! And the day before our wedding I found out we were expecting! We were SO excited!! Fast forward to our 10 week appt, and the dreaded vaginal ultrasound. On the screen I saw a sac, so I was like wow its really in there! I mean, I had no idea what I was looking at so to me, all seemed as it should be! But then the tech said she needed to step out and get the doctor. And just like that, our world was shattered. Blighted ovum is what they call it. We had a sac, but the baby stopped developing many weeks before. Utter heartbreak. I carried that baby in my tummy for 2 1/2 months. And just like that, it was over. We officially miscarried just a few days later, and I will spare you the bloody details. But it left me feeling empty. Not just my womb, but in my heart, my soul, my everything. Just, empty. I became bitter and obsessed. I joined TTC groups, I started tracking EVERYTHING! And again eventually, we saw those 2 pink lines. But this time, it didn't stick for long and just as quickly as I saw the positive, we lost the pregnancy. After that we did not conceive again and our marriage fell apart. I struggled with those feelings of emptiness and wondering what I did to deserve this, what was wrong with me?
I know now that there was nothing I did wrong, and nothing I could have done differently. For whatever reason, it happened as it did and as much as it hurt, and as hard as it was... I wouldst change it. Weird, I know. But, everything in my life led me to where I am today. I was blessed beyond belief to be able to eventually get pregnant and have 2 insanely perfect little girls! And throughout the years that I have been a mom, I have met and known so many women who have suffered through the heart aches of miscarriage and infertility. And that my friends is what led me here. To day one!
Day one basically involved a home interview with the agency. I met the owner and learned her story. We discussed my hopes for the intended parents id like to work with, my hopes for the future. She really took the time to get to know us, my life, everything! Next step is a psychological exam then we wait to be matched with intended parents!! ahhh!! (and to answer the big question here, it will not be my egg. Just my uterus)
So what am I feeling you may wonder. Am I excited? Scared? Well yes & so much yes! I have so many emotions right now its almost impossible to put it into words. I am very excited to give the gift of parenthood to a loving couple! I am terrified it wont work. And I am carrying a ton of guilt. I feel guilty that I can get pregnant. I feel guilty that I had healthy pregnancies. I feel guilty that there are so many amazing people out there suffering because they struggle. So I am trying to enter into this lightly. I am trying to stay super positive and excited and hopeful. I need to remind myself that I cant control everything. I want to put some good vibes into the world and give the gift of pooping screaming life! Because really, is there anything better than that?
Stay tuned! The best is yet to come!